The Gallery Of "Misused" Quotation Marks

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Notes from the curator: August 25, 2000 - Over 10 new "exhibits" just added! That makes 60+ exhibits added since July 28! I'm sheepishly pleased to report that the donation backlog is down to 14 months, and I'm continuing to work through it.

The rest of this message is essentially unchanged from July 28.

Welcome eTour and Swedish visitors! I've noticed a lot of folks visiting via the eTour site and also by following a link on this Swedish site.

I get a lot of e-mail from people suggesting that I add a section for misused apostrophes. Sorry, folks, but it's not going to happen. First of all, the reason I started this site almost four years ago was because I was at once amused and mystified by the peculiar usage of quotation marks. Misused apostrophes usually aren't that funny; they're just annoying. Even if I wanted to do such a site, I just don't have the time (especially since apostrophe misuse is much more widespread, I think, than misused quotation marks). A friend of mine has been thinking of doing a misused apostrophe site, so if he ever does I'll let you know. In the meantime, you may want to take a look at The Home For Abused Apostrophes -- not a lot there, but high quality choices.

Now, enough "ranting" -- on to the latest additions...

exhibit 9906.13

This was on a homemade sign at a flea market:
all swimsuits are clean and "sanitized"

At least they're clean!

exhibit 9906.12

I saw this bizzare sign at the watch repair center of a local department store:
Orders ready
in SEVEN "7"
-- days.
As if misused quotes weren't bad enough, they had to write the seven twice and add the dash for no apprarent reason!!

A day here, a day there, before you know it a "week" has gone by.

exhibit 9906.11

Seen on a van this morning:
Casa Bonita. Taking care of your "beautiful house"
Yeah, they must have seen my house lately.

Maybe, just maybe, they put "beautiful house" in quotation marks because it's the translation of Casa Bonita. But maybe not.

exhibit 9906.10

Sign on friend's front door:
Doorbell "out of order." Please "knock" or "rattle" letterbox.

Is your friend wondering why nobody comes to visit anymore?

exhibit 9906.09

To pay my monthly phone bill, I rip off the bottom of the bill, thoughtfully marked:
"Send"
and keep the top half, marked:
"Keep"
What do you mean you shut off my service? I already "sent" the bill.

Maybe so, but did you "keep" the money?

exhibit 9906.08

The sign by the deposit drawer outside my bank says:
Please "Do Not" deposit cash.
I wonder if this is why my checks always bounce?

If you deposit cash anyway I'm sure your account will be "credited."

exhibit 9906.07

An ad for a Disney movie screening and stage show at the El Capitan Theater in Hollywood mentioned that the show would feature:
the"mighty" Wurlitzer pipe organ
Is it me, or do those quotes around "mighty" serve to unwittingly malign the status and performance of their own vintage organ? Thank you, Disney.

Perhaps old Walt himself once described that organ as "mighty" and since then they've always had to refer to it that way.

exhibit 9906.06

I was driving in northern Minnesota when I saw a billboard for a car dealership that claimed it had been around:
since"1953"
Perhaps all of their cars were "classics."

Wait here while I "check" with my manager.

exhibit 9906.05

At Baylor University, home of the Baylor Bears and one or two Branch Davidians, I found a throw rug that alerted people to the following:
"You're in" Bear Country
It baffles me to this day. Is it an obscure form of second person, like the vosotros tense? A pun on "urine" perhaps?
As my degree from Baylor is a guaranteed ticket into heaven, I'll ask the Big Guy when I get there, and try to report back.

I think you mean "report" back.

exhibit 9906.04

I was in a grocery store in my neighbourhood and I saw a cylinder shaped food package called:
"real" bacon bits

Suitable for vegetarians!

exhibit 9906.03

The NJ Transit employee cafeteria once featured a hand made sign on an ice machine that read:
Please don't take large buckets of "ice" from this machine.
Go to the other machine in the back.
Was it ice? Or could it have been shards of "glass"?

I don't know, but if I were you I'd just go straight to the other machine in the back whenever I needed any ice.

exhibit 9906.02

My mother sent my husband and me a Valentine's Day card. Printed on the front was:
To a special daughter and "son."
I'm sure my husband really felt like one of the family after that.

Sorry, I'm gonna have to side with the Mom on this one.

exhibit 9906.01

A sign at the swimming pool at Reed College in Portland, OR asks you to:
Please "shower" before entering the pool.
Maybe they knew that no one bothers with more than a quick rinse.

I hope they don't get a summons from the Board of "Health."

exhibit 9905.11

Sign on a local grocery store:
Welcome to "YOUR" Hy-Vee
I guess it's not really "ours," now is it?

No, but maybe they won't mind if you borrow it for a little while.

exhibit 9905.10

I saw this at a craft fair that was set up to raise money for the Kosovar refugees. The sign read:
All proceeds will go to "Kosovo"

Kosovo Texas, that is!

exhibit 9905.09

On one of our comment cards, a customer wrote the following:
Laura and Joann are always so very professional and courteous "human being" type people.

Boy, talk about damning with faint praise!

exhibit 9905.08

Sign outside a gas station/mini-mart in Bloomington, IN:
"MILK"
$1.99
(I've always been uneasy with the idea of buying food at the gas station. Now I know why.)

If your car dies on the highway I'd check out the "gas."

exhibit 9905.07

Saw this one on a freeway in Houston:
ROAD "WORK" AHEAD
I'm just surprised they were so honest.

And they're sure to finish "on schedule."

exhibit 9905.06

The menu from The Tavern restaurant in Charlottesville, Virginia, informs patrons that:
All pancakes are served with "whipped" butter.
Elsewhere in the menu the substance is identified variously as "whipped butter" or, more confusingly, "whipped" "butter".
I wonder if it's "fit for human consumption" or "likely to make me boke."

Mmmmmm, pancakes!

exhibit 9905.05

Sign at a newly remodeled grocery store:
If you need help finding something, one of our "friendly" associates will be happy to help you.

I think they also need to remodel the associates.

exhibit 9905.04

Sticker on the side of a diving board:
Check depth before "you" dive.
For divers afflicted with identity crises?

It's deep enough. No it's not. Yes it is! No it's not!

exhibit 9905.03

My company sent this email:
Last night we were announced as "The Winner" of the 1999 Champions Program sponsored by the local Women's Political Caucus. The award's purpose is "Honoring Workplaces that Work for Women." Big thanks go to ABC department director, who did "all the work" and her staff.
True email, all I changed was the name of the department to protect the "innocent."

I'm sure some of the more fastidious Gallery visitors were getting ready to e-mail me to point out that quoting "The Winner" and "Honoring Workplaces That Work for Women" is acceptable. That may be true, but it's the last sentence that warrants this exhibit's inclusion here. I wonder what the director did while the staff was really doing all the work?

exhibit 9905.02

Seen on a sign outside of a grocery store:
"fresh" fruit
how tempting

I think I might have to impose a moratorium on donations about "fresh" food, as there are so many of them that they are starting to get, er, "stale."

exhibit 9905.01

I found the following quotation marks in a card shop in Marylebone Station in London:
Only "2" children allowed in the shop at any time.
I "love" that one!

I understand the old woman who lives in a shoe visits there regularly.

exhibit 9904.11

Here's one that got my stomach churning. Seen in a local grocery flyer in Charlotte, NC, the bold proclamation:
"Save Big" on"Fresh Meats"!!
Of course, I imagine it's easy to slash prices when you're selling a rotting carcass, eh?

But not only is the meat not fresh, you're not even saving big.

exhibit 9904.11

There was an art supply store near my house that had a sign on the door that read:
Shoplifters "will be" prosecuted
and a sign inside the store near a felt tip pen display that said:
If you have "opened" it then you have "bought" it.

The Curator does not encourage or condone illegal activities, but you can probably figure out one way to deal with this situation.

exhibit 9904.10

Seen outside the server room at Union University:
PLEASE, AUTHORIZED PERSONELL "ONLY"

Party in the server room!!

exhibit 9904.09

There's a sign at a doctor's office in Saint John, NB, Canada which asks you to:
Please sign "in."
So what exactly do they want me to sign?

The sign-in "book," I guess.

exhibit 9904.08

Our local grocery store has this sign above the coffee machine:
Only "two" packets of sugar per customer, please.

So not to worry if you have a "sweet" tooth.

exhibit 9904.07

On signs that cover three walls of a billiard hall:
Good "Boy" Billiards
Cafe "&" Billiards
Cafe "&" Bar

By the time they got to the fourth wall they were out of quotation marks.

exhibit 9904.06

A sign on the door of the Philadelphia International Airport reads
"No dogs"
Permitted in Terminal

Not even "seeing eye dogs?"

exhibit 9904.05

Seen on an ice cream store awning (also painted on their windows) in Ashland, Oregon:
BJ's "home made" ice cream
it tasted "delicious," i'm sure. i "bought some."

I'll bet they actually make it in the back room of the store.

exhibit 9904.04

Seen on a Doylestown, PA cigar shop. Bonus points for the apostrophe misuse.
SALE CIGAR'S
19 BRAND'S
BUY ONE GET ONE "FREE"

It's never a good sign when you see the word "free" in quotation marks.

exhibit 9904.03

Sign outside a restaurant in Fort Meyers, Florida:
The "Fish" Monger

If it had said the Fish "Monger" I probably would have no quarrel with it, since who the heck knows what a monger is in the first place?! (And please, don't bother e-mailing me to show off if you do know what a monger is.)

exhibit 9904.02

Sign in the produce department of a grocery store:
Please ring "bell" for service.

So much for this "service" economy I keep hearing about.

exhibit 9904.01

There's a sign in my office that says:
DOOR IS LOCKED!
"PLEASE KNOCK"
and another reading:
"DO NOT" OPEN AT ANY TIME
Inviting theft, I think...

Quotation marks: when capital letters just aren't enough.

exhibit 9903.12

Just about the only saving grace of the onslaught of spam is the frequent misuse of quotation marks found in the messages, although given the choice I'd gladly forego the junk e-mail since there is no shortage of misused quotation marks in the wild. Here's an example from a spam message I received:
"Melissa Stone."
Master Psychic Reader and Advisor
. . .
Ask about love, wealth, career, fame, or other subjects that interest you. Melissa Stone "WILL" reveal all!

Let's see, so her name's not really Melissa Stone and she can't predict the future. Check and double-check.

exhibit 9903.11

A brochure for an Estee Lauder self tanning product claims that:
in about an hour, your skin will turn a natural, healthy looking "tan."
I think the quotes are more for legal reasons than because of a mistake on anyone's part.

Besides, "a natural, healthy looking 'orange'" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

exhibit 9903.10

A hand-lettered sign in the window of The Hofbrau on Telegraph Avenue in Oakland, CA advertises:
"pork" burritos.
I'm also interested in the idea that a hofbrau can serve Cali-Mex food - maybe they should call it a "hofbrau."

The least they could do is call them "Schweinefleisch" burritos.

exhibit 9903.10

On the cover of the folder in which the schedules are kept at work, one of the managers wrote:
"Switches must be approved."
Taking a cue from the donor of exhibit 9802.18, I changed it so it now reads:
"Switches must be approved."   --Winston Churchill
So far only two people have gotten the joke.

I hope you've switched with them just for good measure.

exhibit 9903.09

Sign in restaurant in Jacksboro, TN lists the vegetables of the day:
Corn, fried potatoes, "peas" and green beans.
(They also list cottage cheese and macaroni and cheese as vegetables.)

Clearly that list should be labeled "vegetables" of the day.

exhibit 9903.08

I got this "auto"-reply e-mail from Bizrate.com:
Just responding to let you know that a "human" reads each and every comment to BizRate.com!
Great! I feel much "better" knowing that.

Me too. Here I was thinking the e-mail was handled by some kind of robot.

exhibit 9903.07

Seen on a bowling alley lounge door:
No One Under Age "21" Permitted

Whoopee, beer for everybody!

exhibit 9903.06

I recently registered to vote in Saratoga county in New York. When my registration was processed, I received a "postcard" with the following "information:"
THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR REGISTRATION HAS BEEN RECEIVED AND APPROVED.

AS YOU DID "NOT" ENROLL WITH A PARTY OR VOIDED YOUR ENROLLMENT, YOU WILL"NOT" BE ELIGIBLE TO VOTE AT ANY PRIMARY ELECTION OR SIGN PARTY PETITIONS.

IF YOU HAVE A "VOID" ENROLLMENT, CALL OUR OFFICE AND WE WILL SEND YOU A FORM TO CORRECT IT.
I'm confused. Which party am I a member of, again?

I'm telling you, if I ever get all the backlogged donations on the site I'm going to open a "Not" wing. That's got to be the most mis-quotation-marked word ever.

exhibit 9903.05

A local clinic advertised in the paper as follows:
"Prostate Screenings"
I don't know what they're doing and I don't want to know.

I don't know either but I wonder if it has something to do with all those mega-plex movie theaters that are so popular these days.

exhibit 9903.04

Saw this sign in a liquor store in suburban NJ years ago when I was a kid:
"New House" "For Sale"
Back then I thought I was the only one who noticed the weird extra quotation marks.

Back then you were the only one who noticed the weird extra quotation marks.

exhibit 9903.03

Sign in the deli in the IGA grocery store in Strathmore, Alberta, Canada reads:

"SHREDDED"
  CHEESE  

Yummmm, nothing I like better than a big wheel of cheese.

exhibit 9903.02

(I'm guessing this is from an e-mail received by the donor)
"You know who" isn't here today. Do you think it's because of me? This is the first "entire" day he's missed, since I started working here FOUR MONTHS AGO! :(

Previously "what's-his-name" had only missed "half" a day.

exhibit 9903.01

This e-mail was sent around my office:
>Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:54:20 -0500
>To: office@-----.com
>Subject: If you drove here, read this...
>
>Hi all,
>
>Trucks carrying computers will be unloading by the Customer
>Service entrance shortly.
>
>There is a "white" Buick Century (plate # UKW 850) that
>is blocking that entrance. If that is your car please move
>it.

Maybe the owner drove through a lot of mud puddles on the way in that morning.

exhibit 9902.05

In our faculty newsletter, captioning a picture of a lecturer with his blushing bride:
"Wedded Bliss," Nicholas and Rachel
I wonder how long before Rachel has an "affair."

Sounds like a newsletter reporter tagged along on the honeymoon

exhibit 9902.04

A banner over the entrance of a new condominium complex in Toronto:
9 "Spectacular" Suites Still Remaining!
If they present that much of a "spectacle," I'm not surprised.

If they were spectacular instead of "spectacular" they'd have been snapped up months ago.

exhibit 9902.03

On the "back" of my Rachmaninoff "3rd" Concerto CD:
Recorded "live" at the Tivoli Concert Hall, Copenhagen, November 2nd, 1995.
What's funny is this particular "recording" of the 3rd has particular emotional "significance" to me.

I don't see what the connection is between the misused quotation marks around the word "live" and the emotional significance, funny or otherwise, of that recording but let me just assure you that I "care" deeply.

exhibit 9902.03

A sign near a hotel in Regina, Saskatchewan:
"Watch" for pedestrians

As long as you look like you're watching that'll do.

exhibit 9902.02

Saw this sign nailed to a fence on a country road in Southern Louisiana:
"OAK"
FIREWOOD
FOR SALE

It's probably that cheap oak veneer firewood.

exhibit 9902.01

Hand lettered sign at a local restaurant:
"Sorry"
No Discounts on Specials

Sure, they're "sorry" all the way to the bank.

exhibit 9901.10

Every greeting card that I receive from my Aunt Joan and Uncle Bruce is addressed to "John" and signed, "Aunt Joan & Uncle Bruce." What do they think my real name is? And who are the cards really from?

Somehow I doubt that this serial misuse of quotation marks by well-meaning older relatives will be eliminated in my lifetime.

exhibit 9901.09

On the wall of San Juan Bautista mission, just south of Gilroy, California:
San Juan Bautista Mission is "not" financially supported by the state of California.
My quotation of the sign is not verbatim -- send out an all-points bulletin to bring in the exact wording.

Anyone else been to the San Juan Bautista mission lately?

exhibit 9901.08

A flyer for a snow removal company included this promise:
Enrollment now will ensure your "automatic snow removal."

Their service will come in handy on those days when the weatherman predicts "flurries."

exhibit 9901.07

Off a packet of English crisps (potato chips to you):
Seabrooks "crinkle cut" crisps - they're "more" than a "snack"!

I wonder if that exciting copy is helping their "sales"?

exhibit 9901.06

My first year law school class has produced a class t-shirt with the following slogan printed on the back:
Maintaining "Honor & Integrity" in the Legal Profession.
Arrgh! Needless to say, I did not buy one.

[Insert your own favorite lawyer joke here.]

exhibit 9901.05

Hockey great Bernie "Boom Boom" Geoffrion signs his name thusly:
Boom "Boom" Geoffrion

It's true, see for yourself! I guess he's getting on in years and losing some of his "boom."

exhibit 9901.04

From the Editor's letter in the January 1999 issue of NTexplorer magazine:
We had a massive response to last months [sic] prize offering of Windows NT Terminal Server - the "lucky" readers who will each receive a copy are...

Perhaps the editor was making an "unwitting" editorial comment.

exhibit 9901.03

"Help!" This web page has an amusing "proliferation" of unecessary quote marks: http://www.unicure.com/about.htm. For example:
The product worked ... One treatment was enough ..... "Instant Results"

Hoo-boy! This whole site is a "goldmine" of misused quotation marks and then some. Don't miss the Helpful Hints For Men!

exhibit 9901.02

From Birmingham, England: In a pub, advertising its annual Christmas lottery: Yes it's here "AGAIN!"
So Christmas comes but once a century?

Or maybe it's not really here.

exhibit 9901.01

Seen on the back of a sample of Kellogg's^TM Smart Start^® cereal:
Official "Cereal"of the New York City Marathon 1998!
How do you classify "cereal" in a weight-watchers program? 2 1/2 "carbohydrates"??

I can think of a lot of other cereals that are more deserving of being called "cereal." Shredded Wheat, for example.

exhibit 9812.09

At the church I "attend" a recent bulletin announced:
post-service "prime rib" dinner, followed by a concert!
Makes me wonder what they were really feeding those people...

Sub-prime flank steak, I guess.

exhibit 9812.08

A sign on a water cooler in my office reads:
This is "NOT" a drain!

So don't "pour" anything into it!

exhibit 9812.07

This also a yahoo cool link, mind you! i found it at www.3dom.com/worry.htm. [Curator's note: this site now seems to be defunct.] It reads (and i quote):

Please be aware that "thoughts" of suicide are quite common and normal, one can hardly choose to live without the option of dying. "Thoughts" that someone else should drop dead (and you should help them) are also common and not a cause for undue worry.

Did I "say" that or just "think" it?

exhibit 9812.06

A sign at a restaurant in Novi, MI:

Have Breakfast with "Santa."

Geez, way to tip off the kiddies about the whole Santa thing.

exhibit 9812.05

Someone where I work sent out this update on food and office services:

Hopefully the capaccino [sic] machine will be available Friday Dec 11th approximate cost is $.50 per cup. Also we should have several copies of the morning paper available. "Ice Cream" service is available today. Watch those calories.

Yeah, you don't want to get "fat."

exhibit 9812.04

A few weeks ago, I noticed a sign posted in my dorm:

"Flu Shot"
If any of you are not already on the list and would like to be protected from the "flu" this year, please "sign up."
I couldn't help but wonder what the shot was really for, and how to get it.

I'd be even more nervous if it said the injection would be administered to your "arm."

exhibit 9812.03

This is from an adoption website. This poor girl might be waiting a while:

Jenny is of small stature for her age. She has a friendly smile, and is very expressive. She is an "adorable" child. Jenny is very friendly and outgoing. She enjoys being with people.

Sounds like a blind date I once had.

exhibit 9812.02

Our local pub in McKeesport, PA (outside Pittsburgh) has some unusual "offerings" as well as some misused quotations, such as:

Fish Sandwich "Haddock"; "Polish Style" Halushki; "Ho-Baked Rolls and Bread" for sale.
We're not sure what's really "cookin'" back there, but we're always certain to skip the "special sauce".

Good idea, especially when it comes to those "Ho-Baked Rolls."

exhibit 9812.01

A sign in the deli I used to work in read:

"Hot" "Italian" "Sausage"

Cold German Hot Dogs! My favorite!

exhibit 9811.04

Sign on office door at Superstore in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada:

"Manager's Office"
This is the place where "important" "decisions" are made

Like whether to put quotation marks on the signs.

exhibit 9811.03

At a University in my city the following sign was posted on an outside wall:

Shuttle bus "stop" around the corner.
I braced myself as the bus approached, assuming that it would slow down just enough for us to run alongside and scramble in.

Good thinking!

exhibit 9811.02

I'm a programmer researching some issues. This was in my inbox:

The RMA issue may be explainable but we do need someone to check and "explain" why.
I guess I won't have to do any "research" to answer...

Nope, all you need is a "shovel!"

exhibit 9811.01

The company I work for is moving in a few weeks, so everyone's packing up their stuff. In an effort to be helpful, one of the administrative staff sent out this e-mail:
We have bubble wrap. If anyone needs it, it "should be" at the front desk

That should make it "easy" for everyone to finish packing.