The Gallery Of "Misused" Quotation Marks - Permanent Collection

The Yahooist Movement, Part III: Exhibits 9803.47 through 9803.95

exhibit 9803.95

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

My husband and I took our daughter to an indoor amusement park. The establishment is locally owned and has been driving the chain indoor amusement parks (e.g., Discovery Zone) out of business. However, their business success can't have anything to do with the numerous hand-lettered signs peppering the place...each sign chock full o' misused quotation marks. I was so overwhelmed, I could only remember one:
Children must be accompanied by a "responsible" adult.
My husband and I are both technical writers and find your site extremely amusing...when we return to the amusement park, we'll have pen and paper in hand

exhibit 9803.94

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

A sign at the local Grabba Jabba in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada:
"Gourmet beans" for "sale"
After some disscussion with my friends, we decided it must mean "obscure sexual favours for trade."

exhibit 9803.93

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

From the brochure for the Sun Studio tour, in Memphis:
Bono and U2 - they recorded four songs on their Rattle and Hum album that went "platinum"! Def Leppard, Tom Petty, Paul Simon and hundreds of others - all "feelin' the magic" of Sun Studio.

exhibit 9803.92

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

In one of our college dining halls, the sign above the toaster reads:
Please do not put butter, cheese, fruit, jam, honey, peanut butter, your "hand" in the toaster. It is for dry sliced bread and bagels only.
I always wonder if they are referring to the third rubber hand I keep in my pocket, or the stump left where my hand was before the accident!

exhibit 9803.91

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

Got this from InterNIC regarding a domain name registration problem:
This is an automatic reply to acknowledge that your message has been received by hostmaster@internic.net. This acknowledgement is "NOT" a confirmation that your request has been processed. You will be notified when it has been completed.

exhibit 9803.90

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

A Greek diner in New York City included "Real" potato salad with every sandwich

exhibit 9803.89

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

I work in Human Resources and recently received a resume which was divided into sections:
Job "Qualifications," Business "Experience" and Formal "Education."
Not a very good way to get a "job," huh?

exhibit 9803.88

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

A sign in the grocery store advertises:
"Organic" celery hearts
I assume the items for sale are actual blood-pumping organs that are spotted and disfigured as though they had been grown without the aid of modern pesticides.

exhibit 9803.87

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

Tic-Tock "clock" shop

exhibit 9803.86

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

I once saw an advertisement in Texas Monthly where a surgeon was advertising the virtues of silicone "breast" implants, leading me to wonder if this material was perhaps recycled from Marilyn Monroe or even Jayne Mansfield...hmmm, corpus delecti, indeed...

exhibit 9803.85

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

A flier for a day care center in the local branch library in Baltimore, MD., says:
Our director has a "Master's Degree in Education."
I wonder if s/he really does.

exhibit 9803.84

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

The restrooms in my workplace had signs on the backs of the stall doors saying:
Please "FLUSH"
Because of the quotation marks, I assumed this was a clever word substitution; "FLUSH" obviously implied a more important and secret action.

exhibit 9803.83

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

This guy I work with uses qoutation marks in everthing he writes. For example:
"In a nutshell" we must look at what we are doing and determine if it's the right path.
Or:
To "sum up" we should perform more "follow up."

exhibit 9803.82

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

On a postcard from an area realtor who just sold a home in our subdivision:
Do you know the value of your home on todays market? FREE No Cost Market Analysis
Call
   "BILL WILLIS" D.G.S.
I wonder if that is the name he legally sells homes under, or if he thinks it just sounds good! (Yes, I did type the above verbatim, if you are wondering about the word "todays" not having an apostrophe.)
Also on the postcard there is a picture of a guy holding a sign which reads:
SOLD
"BILL WILLIS"
Who did he really sell?

exhibit 9803.81

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

I wanted to forward you this great Spam I received today. Is this a winner or what?!
PLEASE FORGIVE THIS INTRUSION INTO YOUR "PRIVACY"

WE THINK YOU "MIGHT BE" INTERESTED IN THIS "LIMITED OFFER"

DIANA, PRINCESS OF WALES "COMMEMORATIVE STAMPS"

exhibit 9803.80

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

How about these examples from the quote-happy liquor store across the street from my office:

• On the ice cream cooler:   This is "not" a seat.
• On the beer cooler:   If you're not "21," put it back!
• On the cash register:   Please don't "lean" on this computer!

And this from the late lamented cafe/all-purpose store known as Raycraft Farmice, which they presumably wanted us to pronounce "pharmacy:"
We have the "best" fries in town.

exhibit 9803.79

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

Several years ago, the Salt Lake City airport did a remodel and posted signs reading:
"Please" pardon the inconvenience.
Of course, the inadvertent message was that they didn't give a damn whether it was inconvenient or not and certainly didn't care if anyone pardoned them for it.

exhibit 9803.78

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

Sign in an empty window of a vending machine somewhere in southern Idaho:
Take "a" chance

exhibit 9803.77

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

I WAS ON A COLLEGE SEMESTER TRIP CALLED SEMESTER AT SEA. MY CABIN HAD SIGNS ALL OVER, BUT THE ONE BY MY BED GOT A LOT OF LAUGHS:
PLEASE DO NOT "SMOKE" IN BED.
THERE WERE A LOT OF SIGNS ON THIS SHIP--IT WAS DEFINITELY ENTERTAINMENT!

exhibit 9803.76

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

Our receptionist announced the birth of a colleague's child with a sign that read as follows (and I quote!):
It's a "boy" !!!
Does this mean the doctor's hand slipped when circumcizing the tot?

exhibit 9803.75

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

Up on the roof of our dorm, there are some solar panels, with this tricky warning sign:
CAUTION: Panels may "explode" without warning.

exhibit 9803.74

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

This I saw many years ago at a chocolate chip cookie stand in a mall in Schenectady, NY:
Our chips are made with "real" chocolate.

exhibit 9803.73

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

Seen in a gas station in Hillsborough, NC:
We "do not" have a public restroom.
What is this, some sort of inside joke?

exhibit 9803.72

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

When entering Yukon, Oklahoma you are bombarded by signs that say:
"Yukon" Home of Garth Brooks!
Does this mean that this might be Yukon?

exhibit 9803.71

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

At a gas station on I-35 South, about 30 miles north of the Mexican border, there was a hand-written sign on each of the pumps that read:
"Sorry," we're out of gas.
I guess they weren't sorry.

exhibit 9803.70

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

How about the pet store I saw offering -- as if the quotation marks were not enough:
"Pure-Bred" Chi-Hu-Ha's
I did not buy one!

exhibit 9803.69

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

While on vacation in florida one summer, I saw a farm truck driving on the highway that was missing a window. In place of the window was a piece of cardboard on which the owner had written in magic marker:
"window"

exhibit 9803.68

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

While walking down a boardwalk heading for the beach in Asilomar near Monterey, CA my husband and I encountered a sign which read:
No "dogs" allowed off "leashes"
What??? This sign makes me laugh every time I see it. It makes me picture Homer Simpson at the dinner table, with his "quotation mark" fingers in the air....

exhibit 9803.67

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

My friend and I were riding the bus when all of a sudden he hands me a note that says that there is a strange "man" sitting next to me.

exhibit 9803.66

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

Every year, my grandmother sends my brother a card with a $20 bill inside. I, on the other hand, receive a card containing nothing but the words:
"Love" Gramma.
Only trouble is, I think she knows exactly how to use quotation marks. Hmmmmmm.

exhibit 9803.65

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

For as long as I can remember, on every card that I get from my grandmother for some kind of occasion, be it birthday, Christmas, Easter, etc., she ALWAYS writes "Julie" (my name) on the envelope and signs it "Nannie." What, are we "questionable" entities or something? ;-)
P.S.- And I used those quotes on purpose

exhibit 9803.64

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

The Adobe Acrobat Reader is a "must-have" for web-surfers. On the Michigan Legislature Web Page, a button links visitors to the Adobe page. It says:
"Get Acrobat" Reader

exhibit 9803.63

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

The Army and Air Force Exchange Service is notorious for the dubious practice of using quotation marks, I "assume" for emphasis. A common example sign by the cashier's cage:

            "Required"
            Information
            on Checks:
            Rank, SSAN,
            Duty Phone

I guess since it's not really needed, I can put anything I want on my check.
Or this one:

     Your "Satisfaction"
       Is Our Business!

Considering the "service" at most AAFES stores, this doesn't surprise me a bit. They're certainly dedicated to giving the military customer the "business."

exhibit 9803.62

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

From a Manhattan subway token booth:
"Please" Check Your Metrocard Before Leaving The Window.
They're just "begging" us to make sure we haven't been "swindled"...

exhibit 9803.61

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

There's a sign at the tanning salon that says:
please put your dirty (wash cloths) in this basket.
I don't know why wash cloths is in parentheses.

exhibit 9803.60

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

There was a sign on a telephone pole in Miami that read:
Call about our "free" child care
Well, either it's free or it isn't. Or perhaps they don't take money, but something else? (like your child's soul?)

exhibit 9803.59

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

On the bags and notebooks of the Wake Forest University bookstore is noted in bold and set apart from all else:
"on the campus"
Disregarding the obvious redundancy of the statement (it's called the Campus Bookstore, of course it's on the campus) the use of qoutes is unforgivable. In a side note, while I am not obsessive compulsive in most things this is my pet peeve. As such, I confronted the manager of the University Stores system and received an assurance that the error would soon be amended. One year later, little hope remains of meaningful reform on either the bags or notebooks.

exhibit 9803.58

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

My grandma writes about once a week, which has been going on now for about 6 years (since I started college. Anyway, she always writes her name as "Hazel"!!! And after signing her name like that she writes "Be Good."
Who is she and how does she reallllly want me to be???

exhibit 9803.57

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

At the Broadway Grill in Seattle, Washington, the menu reads:
"TO GO" service available
Which I guess really means that you can only eat in the restaurant!

exhibit 9803.56

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

As I drive to work and take a certain route everyday, I have come to notice certain things on my monotonous journey, such as specific people, situations at a precise time every morning, but I will only mention the following today. There is a pharmacy on my way to work with a sign that reads:
The "Happy" Drug Store
and we're supposed to walk in there for serious help?

exhibit 9803.55

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

As I was looking through my credit union's promotional material on on-line banking services, I found this interesting tidbit:
Place "Stop Payment" orders on your personal checks...
As if I really want to pay someone who does not deserve it!!

exhibit 9803.54

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

My husband and I received a wedding gift with a card signed:
"Love" Sharon and Wayne.
Don't worry, Sharon and Wayne, we didn't think you really "loved" us.

exhibit 9803.53

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

There's a billboard for Sunkist oranges that reads:
Just one 100% daily "C"
makes us wonder what the C stands for...

exhibit 9803.52

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

You can buy advertising on Pittsburgh's PATransit bus system in the form of little signs on the inside of the bus. Recently I noticed an ad for a church that suggested saying a prayer that places trust in Jesus, "alone."
Perhaps it's an allusion to the mystery of the Trinity.

exhibit 9803.51

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

A local English newspaper perhaps tried to keep the identity of a well-known person "secret." It's unfortunate, then, that this was part of his obituary. Notice also the misplaced modifier:
"Mr. Dagenais" died leaving his wife and two daughters pregnant with twins.
I laughed for minutes.

exhibit 9803.50

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

At the financial institution that I work in, the ex-boss used to give all the new tellers a name tag that read:
Jane Doe
"Teller"
Need I say more? Were they really tellers? Teller imposters? "Wannabees?" AAAARRRG!

exhibit 9803.49

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

At the County Clerk's office, on each of 5 service desks, there are engraved plastic signs that read:
"CHECKS PAYABLE TO"
COUNTY RECORDER'S OFFICE

exhibit 9803.48

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

On the way home there is a small convenience store that reads:
Chief's Food Mart "18" high.
Does this mean that they are only "18" inches high? I wouldn't know. I haven't been inside for fear that my 5'4" height will not be accomodated should I decide to go in some day.

exhibit 9803.47

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor:

Seen on a service station sign in Staten Island, NY:
"Oil"
Change
$15.95
What exactly are they putting in "engines" out there?

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