The Gallery Of "Misused" Quotation Marks - Permanent Collection

exhibit 9810.10

I just saw a sign advertising Jazzercise that said:
Make some "friends"
Lose some "weight"
If they're claiming that one is a consequence of the other, then they're politically incorrect as well as grammatically!

Those who would only be your friends if you lost weight are "friends" indeed.

exhibit 9810.09

Here's one from a sign posted above the copier in my office:
ATTENTION:

The copy machine has been jamming excessively! It is important to make sure the paper has been loaded into the tray properly, otherwise it gets wrapped around the "heat coil."

Put paper into machine in small chunks and be sure to "fan"it out to ensure it is separated properly.

Maybe if you "fan" the "heat coil" it won't be so damn hot!
(This donation comes from my pal Jim Orsi, who was inspired by this humble Gallery to create his own Gallery of Annoying Email Signatures)

exhibit 9810.08

To promote the public golf courses run by the City of Madison ("The Athens of the Midwest"), Wisconsin, some PR stylist came up with this ad:
FALL "GOLF" FEES

Did they also put a little windmill on the course?

exhibit 9810.07

A billboard for a real estate company in Saint John, NB, Canada:
YOUR HOUSE "SOLD"
OR WE PAY "YOU!"

This must be a franchise... see Exhibit 9807.20

exhibit 9810.06

Found on a billboard for Cash's Liquors:
"Female dancers" on Wednesday night.
Male dancers on Friday night.

Alrighty then!

exhibit 9810.05

A banner advertising a Little Rock, Arkansas apartment complex exclaims that the management is featuring:
"Special" Specials!

When is a special not a special? When it's a "special"

exhibit 9810.04

I had to share this gem. Seen in a rural pub here in the UK:
Special! Our "Thursday" Offer: When three "people" eat at "Lunchtime" you only "pay" for two "meal's"!
Quote frenzy...has the world gone mad? Glad to see someone's picked up in this menace to society.

So much for the Queen's English.

exhibit 9810.03

I do customer service/tech support for an internet company. Receiving mails like this isn't uncommon, but all the quotes just made me remember you. I don't even want to see a translation of what it would mean normally:
I sent this same mess.Oct.1,on a 'brite yellow' page,
which said wait 24-72 for reply(5 days ago,no answer).
Your e-mail said my GOLD was activated on Aug.6.I still
can't get anything but 'still' pictures. What is the 'problem'?I was told the
other ISP 'wouldn't' censor adult sites.But since then I
called another adult site,& found out they have 'several'
[of your] customers('all' with 'no' problems).So I got the
other ISP for 'nothing'? Also, I am being 'constantly'
interupted or 'cut-off',so that I have to reconnect to
my ISP.What the 'hell' is going on?I am paid-up 3 mo.s,
till Nov.6th,but 2 mo.s are 'waisted'? If you want to keep
'this' customer,then answer this e-mail!

I really like the way this correspondent misuses apostrophes as if they were quotation marks. It's almost like a double-negative. I also figured out why I've put on so much weight lately: I've been 'waisting' my time.

exhibit 9810.02

On the 2 doors to the dressing rooms at the pool I work at, there are signs labeled "Men" and "Women", complete with quotation marks. I guess there are some that still aren't sure???

Maybe it's based on whatever you feel like at the time. Those dancers from Exhibit 9810.06 should feel right at home, anyway.

exhibit 9810.01

In my chem lab at Purdue, there is a bottle next to the sink labeled "Soap". I'm not sure what is "actually" in there.

That reminds me of the bottle of "Pineapple Juice" that W. C. Fields used to carry around.

exhibit 9809.14

The following is an email from the "executive director" of our "information and online services" division. Information within square brackets has been changed in a misplaced, overly kind effort to protect his identity and the reputation of the company. Everything else is verbatim. [Curator's note: In the interest of brevity I've only included the first paragraph]:
[Company] is moving into a new and exciting "Year" (Fiscally speaking), one filled with new business opportunities and technological challenges. Our new joint endeavor with [another company] being just one example of our expanding business initiatives. With this growth comes new and added responsibilities. As we move toward improving & automating our "Network Operating" systems over the next few months, we will need your "help" and "feedback." We need your "help" in watching for network or WEB related performance problems (particularly outside of normal business hours) and your immediate "feedback." on any problems that you might encounter. Your assistance in these areas will be greatly appreciated during our network enhancement / "construction" phase.

I've got your "feedback" right here, buddy...

exhibit 9809.13

At the Blockbuster Video in my San Jose, California neighborhood, documentaries, sports videos, and other non-movie videos are found in the "SPECIAL" "INTEREST" I guess they're only "special" if you're "interested."

Sounds like a bunch of ordinary dull videos to me.

exhibit 9809.12

Explain this one to me, if you can. There's a florist in Montgomery, AL, called Lee and Lan Florist (named, I'm told, for Lee High School and Lanier High School here, though why, I don't know) with the following message painted below the name on their very large street sign:
Flowers "for all" Occasions
Maybe a play on "floral?" I doubt it.

Me too.

exhibit 9809.11

The University of Oklahoma dorms are peppered with signs reading "ALCOHOL FREE" Residence Hall. Maybe they're just striving for accuracy.

So you don't have to pay for beer there, is that the idea?

exhibit 9809.10

I thought it was bad enough that there are signs posted all over my gym reminding us to "Please" Throw Paper Towels "Into" The Waste Basket, but during a recent heat wave, a new sign informed us that There Is "No" Air Conditioning In The Aerobics Room.

The alternative would have been a sign that read Our Aerobics Room Is "Air Conditioned."

exhibit 9809.09

Another excerpt from the condo newsletter [see below -- ed.]:
The "Ladies' Tea" was a success with close to fifty ladies in attendance. The October meeting will be a "Fashion Show."

Ooh, hold me back!

exhibit 9809.08

The condo complex I live in publishes a monthly newsletter which frequently misuses quotation marks:
A big "thank-you" to Warren and Louise. They were out on one of the hottest days in July, pick in hand, removing the weeds that were embedded along the curbs on Hamilton Court. Our court looks "great", thanks to them.

You know, I was going to let the "thank-you" go, since they really could have just been saying "thank you." But then... well, nice try, Warren and Louise. Do a better job next time, 'kay?

exhibit 9809.07

I once got a set of paint-your-own Christmas ornaments, and on the box it said:
"EASY" TO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS.

Perhaps that was a direct quote from one of the people who worked in the factory.

exhibit 9809.06

I was visiting a friend's web page one day, and noticed that the title is:
Welcome to Sara's Homepage "A Nice Place to Spend Some Quality Time"
So, is that a warning or what?

This is sort of a grey area of quotation mark misuse, since it sort of qualifies as a slogan. But what the heck, I figured I'd throw it in anyway.

exhibit 9809.05

On a sign outside a Beepers Unlimited store:
"FREE" "FREE" "FREE" "FREE"
INSTALLATION
I wonder what the "catch" is.

I don't know, but I guess there are four of them.

exhibit 9809.04

Seen on a bumper sticker which allegedly supports a youth soccer program:
Dracut Soccer "Rules"
...the bottom of the league standings one would imagine.

Or maybe the rest of the sticker, listing the instructions for how the game is played in Dracut, was cut off.

exhibit 9809.03

A sign at a local grocery store says:
"No Membership Required"
Better yet, inside the store they offer:
Fresh "Squeezed" orange juice.
The thought of what they may really be doing to the oranges unnerves me.

Maybe the oranges are being "squeezed" by "members."

exhibit 9809.02

This is part of an ad for a chiropractic clinic:
Call for a "Free" consultation.

Well, you may incur some kind of telephone charge I guess...

exhibit 9809.01

I received the following e-mail at work:
Do you have any part-time, seasonal, or full-time jobs in your community that would be of interest to Ontario rural youth?

Why not post them on the Rural Youth Employment Network at: http://www.ruraljobs.com

This is a "FREE Service".

In order to post a job, employers must "register" to the network, assign themselves a password, and provide a brief employer profile.

I wonder if the "registration" is also "free?"

exhibit 9808.11

In a in a North Carolina grocery store:
WE VALUE
"YOU"
OUR CUSTOMER

Sounds like they even value people who aren't their customers.

exhibit 9808.10

In a local grocery store:
BUY TWO
GET "THIRD" FREE

So that works out to an extra 2/3rds free, right?

exhibit 9808.09

At the Meekong restaurant in Johnson City, New York, this sign is posted at the cash register:
"Sorry" No Personal Checks Accepted
Yeah. It must be killing them.

They're just trying to "soften" the bad news.

exhibit 9808.08

Just about the only positive side-effect of junk e-mail is the occasional example of misused quotation marks:
DO YOU DESERVE A SIX FIGURE INCOME THIS YEAR?

I am interviewing individuals who "KNOW" they do.
Could this be you? Do you have the desire? Let
me know why you think you qualify.

Give me reasons why I should select you as one of
the few I will personally work with in the next 90
days so "WE" can change your current situation.

That's okay, "WE" are quite happy with "OUR" current situation.

exhibit 9808.07

My grandmother sent me a Valentine's Day card last year that began:
Dear "Rebecca"
-- as if to imply Rebecca is not my real name, and only she knows the truth.

Those grandmothers are crafty -- and well-represented here in the Gallery, I might add.

exhibit 9808.06

Text of a car dealer ad thoughtfully delivered to my door:
Drive the car of your dreams for "free"

I hope you're enjoying your dream "car."

exhibit 9808.05

In the local phone book in DeLand, FL every single ad in the Yellow Pages reads:
"For Information Call"
Why?

That's a question best left to the "philosophers"

exhibit 9808.04

A billboard for a bank in Idaho Falls reads:
We believe that "PEOPLE" should answer our phones
"PEOPLE" are about the same things as "robots with Gap clothing," right?

I think some of those "people" also work for my bank.

exhibit 9808.03

A sign at a clothing store in Wildwood informs you that you can get:
Brand-Name Clothing "At" Discount Prices!
Needless to say, I was rather confused.

As was the creator of the sign.

exhibit 9808.02

Sign by the parking lot entrance of the Anne Arundel County Fair (The Renaissance Festival was down the road):
This is "not" parking for the Renaissance Festival.

But if you're wearing your jousting outfit they might let you park there anyway.

exhibit 9808.01

Sign on the door of a local store:
Back in "5" minutes, Mgmt.

That's easier than adding "unless I run into a friend while I'm out, the line at the bank is really long, etc".

exhibit 9807.20

Here's one that I pointed out to a bunch of friends I was in the car with. They didn't "get it." It was a billboard advertising a real estate "agent":
Your home "Sold" Or I pay "You."

That looks like a pretty safe claim.

exhibit 9807.19

At the local "Dairy-Freez" (an "ice cream" store) in the "city" of Marquette, Michigan, a real "gem" has emerged:
"Store"
closed due to
"Illness."
Does that mean it "wasn't" really a store, but a "undercover" crack trade, and it's "just" a really long trip to "Hawaii:"
(Misusing quotes is "fun!")

Although it is possible to have too much of a "good" thing.

exhibit 9807.18

In one of the Cornell dining halls by the dish return they had these signs by each silverware chute:
"Forks" only
"Knives" only
"Spoons" only
They have since been replaced though.

The kitchen staff was probably getting tired of having to sort all the silverware again after it came through the chute.

exhibit 9807.17

A newspaper in Marietta, Ohio advertises itself on billboards all over the area with the following slogan:
The fresh "news" newspaper.
Unfortunately, the slogan is a thoroughly accurate description of the newspaper.

As you'll see elsewhere in the Gallery, if that slogan had been written by a supermarket employee it would have instead been The "fresh" news newspaper.

exhibit 9807.16

A headline on the weekly shopper's paper in Everett, MA blared:
Local Attorney Found "Guilty"
I wonder if they're gonna let him "off"

I guess it's either that or "jail."

exhibit 9807.15

While staying in Freeport, Bahamas, we ended up in a roach motel with a flooded tennis court and herds of begging lizards. The travel info we got on the place said it all; the letterhead read:
The Sun Club "Resort"

Hopefully you've now learned your "lesson."

exhibit 9807.14

As a former technical writer for a government contractor, I've seen too many examples of misused punctuation, grammar and capitalization. My favorite, and a double-whammy, is:
using "Best Practices"
when describing how employees work.
Have you ever thought of a sister site for misused capitalization?

Please! I can't even keep up with this site... I'll leave it to the niche marketers to target other areas.

exhibit 9807.13

A sign in a local grocery store said:
"Safety" is important to us.

That would explain all the discarded banana peels in the produce section.

exhibit 9807.12

On my hair dryer, there is a tag attached to the cord with safety precautions listed. The safety precautions say to:
1. Always "unplug it" after use.
On the other side of the tag it says in big bold red letters to "UNPLUG IT."

I'm betting that hair dryer is plugged in right now.

exhibit 9807.11

I came across this today at the web site which will allegedly show two kids losing their virginity. One of the purposes of the site is:
Following the story of "Diane and Mike," two "18-year old American Honor students" who have committed to losing their virginity live on the Internet.
Additionally, according to the site:
sexually, they are both "virgins."
Right, that's what they all say.

In retrospect, it turns out that those quotation marks weren't misused after all. Probably a clever legal "ploy" to keep the site operators out of trouble when it was revealed to be a hoax.

exhibit 9807.10

I was watching a show on the Fox News Channel about dog training. Superimposed at the bottom of the screen was:
Teaching your dog to "come"

Sounds like that should have been a cat training show.

exhibit 9807.9

I recently received this notification regarding a changed phone extension at my job:

The new extension for the big conference room is "415."

Oddly enough, when I tried calling 451 I did not reach the big conference room.

exhibit 9807.8

At http://www.state.in.us/state/, someone has put up a website claiming to be "The Official Website of the State of Indiana"... hmmm... it looks legitimate enough; OK, I give up. What is it really?

I am stunned that even the fine people in state government might misuse quotation marks!

Misused quotation marks know no boundaries.

exhibit 9807.7

Here's an example of misused quotation marks from a "company" that should know better -- a Hallmark ad:
It's "the" event of the season!
I understand that they're trying to emphasize 'the,' but couldn't they use italics?

Ah, but if they had then we wouldn't even be having this "conversation."

exhibit 9807.6

Recently, while "visiting" a nursing "home," I "spotted" these two "signs:"
1) On a cart used for carrying folding chairs:
For "safety reasons" -- "folding chairs" will be used only for "special occasions" and NEVER for our residents.
Wow-a grand slam!
2) On a display case:
"Crafts" for sale
I guess if they were made by the residents, the quotation marks would probably be justified!

By my count, that first item is only a triple -- unless, of course, you meant to say "grand slam."

exhibit 9807.5

This ad from the Vancouver, BC, Georgia Strait, features two "Jazz Guitar Legends."

And be sure not to overlook the "special offer" at the bottom!

exhibit 9807.4

The following e-mail was sent around my office by an unsuspecting co-worker who is unaware of my Gallery activities:

I just found a small "silver" bracelet. If you can identify it and it's yours please come to claim it.

I'm sure the owner of the bracelet was mortified when she discovered that the whole company now knows that her bracelet isn't really silver.

exhibit 9807.3

The following sign appears on the cash registers at a local grocery store:
You must be 21 years old to purchase beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages. "It's the Law."

Wink, wink.

exhibit 9807.2

A hospital oncology center on the North Side of Chicago has a small parking lot in front of it, with a sign that says:
PARKING FOR "CANCER PATIENTS" ONLY

So even if that tumor was "benign," go ahead and park there.

exhibit 9807.1

I recently saw a sign on a telephone pole which read:
Work At
"Home"
I shudder to think what kind of "home" they mean.

I've been seeing these signs a lot lately myself. However, I must point out that they have already been documented precisely a year ago in exhibit 9707.1

exhibit 9806.25

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

Sign on the library door in an elementary school:
There is "still" no chewing gum in the IMC. "Thank" you.

Hey, "Thank" you too!

exhibit 9806.24

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

On our interoffice envelopes it says:
Please do not "tear off" strings
Hmmmmmm.....makes you wonder what they're up to in the mailroom...

Give 'em enough string and they'll "hang" themselves.

exhibit 9806.23

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

Marketing "literature" on this website has the following:
The strength of the language is that it can address "ALL" of the test needs in a consistent way.
I alerted the marketing dept but they have not yet changed it.

Curator's note: The Marketing Department "got religion" in the time that passed before I finally added this to the Gallery. The upper-case ALL in quotes has been replaced with a bold lower-case all. However, you can get an idea of what it looked like by clicking here and then following the STILAccessor^TM link.

exhibit 9806.22

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

At my school there are various plaques and banners that describe sports victories. A few of them read Big "8" Conference. Another similar type of sign describing some type of sports achievement reads Sweet "16" or "Sweet" 16, as there are many different signs bearing that phrase.

Apparently in some cases there weren't exactly 16 teams, while in others it wasn't so sweet.

exhibit 9806.21

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

Ok, so I go to school at Berkeley, which you would think would actually be capable of correct grammar, but noooo... There's this sign in the bathroom that says:
"Please" do not f"lush" anything dow"n" the toilet that doesn't belong "there".
Why they chose to randomly quote single letters I'll never know. Whatever.

At least that's a little more specific than the similar sign in exhibit 9806.19 (below).

exhibit 9806.20

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

For several years, a restaurant in Austin, Texas has been displaying a huge banner which reads:
Rosie's Tamale House "Now" Open.

The advantage is that they can leave the banner up when they're closed.

exhibit 9806.19

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

Sign in a ship's bathroom reads:
Please do not put "anything" in the toilet.

Well, that couldn't be more clear. I just hope there's another bathroom somewhere on that ship.

exhibit 9806.18

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

In Montreat, NC, there is a hotel/meeting facility called Assembly Inn. On the third floor of Assembly Inn, there is an ice machine with a sign posted on the inside of the lid. The sign says:
Do not put hands in "the" ice machine.
Huh? There's only one ice machine there!! And while it's a nice ice machine, as far as they go, I'm reasonably certain that it's not the only ice machine in the country, nor is it the finest ice machine.

Now you've gone and burst their "bubble."

exhibit 9806.17

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

Sybaris, a chain of resorts is building a new location in Indianapolis (perhaps it is already open) and the sign out front says:
Sybaris
Romantic getaways
"For Married Couples"

So as long as you just say you're married, they'll probably let you in.

exhibit 9806.16

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

The following appeared in our local newspaper:
I would like to take this opportunity to "Thank" the DAV chapter and auxiliary for all their help and support, during my four years as Commander. It made my job a lot easier! ... Also, I want to "Thank You" for my gift. It's something I've always wanted.

I hope it was a guide to the correct use of quotation marks.

exhibit 9806.15

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

my mother, mistakenly using extraneous quotes instead of a simple, elegant apostrophe, will label photos as "1998", "1982", etc.
who knows, maybe she's just guessing at the date...

A few years here, a few years there... what's the difference?

exhibit 9806.14

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

Our local convenience store has taken the "no shirt/no shoes/no service" concept one better with this sign:
"No rollerblades"
"No cleats"
"No shirt"
"No shoes"
"No service"
Does that mean you can't get "service" unless you're wearing "cleats" and "rollerblades"?

The possible interpretations are almost endless...

exhibit 9806.13

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

I saw this on a tire covering on the back of a van:
"Jesus" is the way!

Obviously an idolater.

exhibit 9806.12

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

I got a postcard from Lawman Express jeans a while ago. On the back, it reads:
*Look in your mailbox soon for your "free" convenient (convenient was underlined) catalog from.... LAWMAN EXPRESS! You'll see see "styles" first and "stuff" you can't get anywhere else!
*Don't forget...tell your buds to "check out" our new AD in Seventeen...SO everyone can share in the FUN!
*It's gonna be so "easy" to order! All you "gotta" do is...pick-up the phone, "fax" or get us on the Internet to order from LAWMAN EXPRESS Catalog! (Catalog was underlined)
May I note that those periods don't indicate stuff I left out, they put them there. I think they are supposed to be....."Dramatic" PAUSES! or something.

The really scary part is that some copywriter probably got a nice promotion for this "cutting-edge" style!

exhibit 9806.11

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

Saw this at the Coach House in Santa Barbara, CA. It's a concert venue that has a two drink minimum:
"If" you are "under 21", you must buy two "drinks" at the "door."
I don't even want to think what they mean. I'd only confuse myself.

Try reading it after you've had those two drinks and it'll make a lot more sense.

exhibit 9806.10

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

Sign outside the supply room of the Philadelphia Museum of Art:
Please donot "open" these boxes. Xerox paper is available in the mail room.

Proof that misused quotation marks are indeed the great "equalizer," from the corner deli to one of the country's leading cultural institutions.

exhibit 9806.09

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

A "Music Scholarship" was dedicated in Mr. Tom Magnuson's name at his "Retirement Banquet." on May 23, 1998.
Some scholarship. (I've been to "banquets" like that!)

Those banquets are well known for the "chicken" that's served for dinner.

exhibit 9806.08

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

I was reading the back of a Beef Jerky package, and it said something like:
Old Trapper Beef Jerky has been making "gourmet" beef jerky for years. We use only the finest beef "steak"...
Either they were just being decorative, or this beef jerky was something to watch out for!

Just one more reason to avoid any product that has the word "jerky" in its name.

exhibit 9806.07

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

One of the office paper recycling companies here in town uses the following motto:
Please recycle "Anything That Tears"
"What Does That Mean?"

I don't know, but I think I'm going to have to recycle my eyes the next time I'm chopping onions.

exhibit 9806.06

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

When my husband and I got married last year, his grandmother signed our guest book -- and, just in case there was any question as to who she was, she added ("Grandmother") after her name (yes, complete with parentheses, too).

Of course, this made us think. Is she, or is she not his grandmother? Was it some kind of tacit clue as to a far more mysterious family tree than we had imagined?

We let the matter slide until our curiosity was piqued again at my husband's sister's wedding a few months ... when not only did his grandmother write the same thing in his sister's guestbook, but his mother also added ("Mother") after her name, as well!

Things, apparently, are not what they seem among my "in-laws."

Sounds like there might be some "skeletons" in their closets.

exhibit 9806.05

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

Seen at The Athenian Restautraunt in Lexington, MA, an autographed photo from a local professional sports celebrity with the following inscription:
Thanks for the "Great Food"
"Best Wishes" ...
Fortunately, for the good folks at The Athenian, the food is indeed great and their business is thriving despite the "endorsement."

With endorsers like that, who needs critics?!

exhibit 9806.04

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

The Sandusky OH Police Department's Most Wanted web page contains the following entry:
David Everett Flowers Wanted for "Auto Theft" and several counts of "Forgery"

Gee, when you put it that way he doesn't seem like such a bad guy.

exhibit 9806.03

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

In Columbia, SC, we have a restaurant that offers:
"Delicious" Greek and American Food.
Columbia's a good place to spot the work of a "clever" signmaker.

Civic "pride" is a wonderful thing, but I can assure you that Columbia is not "unique" in that regard.

exhibit 9806.02

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

I recently saw saw a sign on a gas station door in Boulder, CO that I really got a kick out of, even though I couldn't make much sense out of it. It said:
"Windy"
Please use other door.
To make it worse, that was the door that was propped open. I guess it must not have been "windy" enough to enforce the rule.

Perhaps the proprietor was expecting the protagonist of the hit song by '60s rock group The Association.

exhibit 9806.01

We have received this generous "Donation" from a recent visitor

A sign at the payment center for Baltimore Gas & Electric (BGE):
Your time is "valuable." "Thank you" for bringing your bill.

It's always a "pleasure" to pay the utility bill.